Shame on me for needing you
Swerdlow, Sandel & Johnson (2022) published “Shame on Me for Needing You: A multistudy examination of links between receiving interpersonal emotion regulation and experiencing shame” in Emotion. I was intrigued by the title and the notion of asking people about their experiences with interpersonal emotional regulation. Here’s the abstract:
Recent theory and research have drawn attention to interpersonal dimensions of emotion regulation. Yet, few empirical investigations of the outcomes of interpersonal emotion regulation have been conducted. We propose that one negative affective outcome of received interpersonal emotion regulation of conceptual and practical interest is shame. In the present series of studies, participants from six disparate samples reported on experiences of receiving interpersonal emotion regulation using autobiographical recall and ecological sampling paradigms (total analyzed n = 1,868; total analyzed k = 2,515 instances of receiving interpersonal emotion regulation). We sought to quantify the frequency and distinctiveness of shame as an outcome of receiving interpersonal emotion regulation. We used an exploratory-confirmatory approach to identify robust and generalizable correlates of shame. We considered individual (e.g., trait external shame-proneness), situational (e.g., desire for regulation), relational (e.g., perceived closeness with the provider), and interaction-specific (e.g., perceptions of provider hostility) variables. Our results indicate that it is not uncommon for people to experience receiving interpersonal emotion regulation as shame-inducing, and these perceptions are distinct from their evaluations of the overall helpfulness of the interaction. An internal mini meta-analysis showed that the strongest correlates of shame across studies and samples were individual differences in nonacceptance of negative emotions and expressive suppression and interaction-specific ratings of provider responsiveness and hostility. We discuss the conceptual, methodological, and practical implications of these findings for studying interpersonal emotion regulation and shame.
The first finding I would highlight is that it is not uncommon to experience shame after receiving interpersonal emotion regulation. This makes sense to me because, if I am so angry or upset that someone feels the need to help me calm, I may feel ashamed that I needed that help. In a world in which people seem to be more angry or distressed than ever by current events, often events over which they have little control, nonacceptance of negative emotions is likely to induce shame. Similarly, people who prefer to suppress expression of strong emotions likely experience shame when others seem to feel the need to help them. I look forward to more research on this topic.